THESE Thoughts on THAT day.........

I don't like how my mind works..,I hate the feeling when things are fine and then randomnly i get a flash like WTF am I doing here !! I hate not remembering how or what got me to the point where I've reached..I hate my impulse ....I feel too much of what I do is because of my impulsive decission making capablities...Sometimes, I do things just beause I CAN and not because I want to...I hate that kind of power, the one where I do things for the heck of it and now that it's getting routine I am bored :/ Because more so than anyone else, I have run out of explaining rather coming up with reasons for why I do the things I do, for myself...I hate regretting later, but then again, I don't regret things while doing them....This sounds complicated to me as each word that was in my head is actually coming on to the screen ! 
I haven't slept like a sound sleep since quite a few days,that's my first sign to realize something is wrong though my brain refuses to acknowledge it.And now that it's happening evry other day I see myself falling back to the same patterns..the infamous endless night serious which I am officially fed up of....I hate coming to this point, the point where I realize I was happy untill 2 days back and fuck knows what happened to turn that around ! Because I swear remembering feeling happy, I can fool my thinking but I can't fake feelings.And then when all of a sudden when you realize you arent happy anymore you wonder what happened and if all that was just plain fake ,a fake pretence to overshadow something you must be feeling deep deep down. So I'm writing hoping to find what's down,deep deep down that I *might* be wanting to overshadow by being happy, though I swear I felt happiness and that it wasn't fake, because it ws for a long time, just untill a few days back...
I am not the person to hold back,If m sad I don hide it, not from myself, if m happy then I don't hide it from others, but i wonder why I chose to not admit being not happy from myself too....maybe I am wrong,maybe I was happy, maybe I suddenly have just realized how much or to what extent things have changed for me in a short span of time and I might not be as accustomed to the change as I anticipated.I don't like this point. The one where I realize it's too late to talk to someone or turn to someone to make me fine again. And it's funny how I ALWAYS realize I'm in some unnamed shit, AFTER reaching this same very point every single time !And yet I try, try talking to someone but then there's something within me which stops me from wanting to reach out to someone ....I dont like that...Out of all the things I wish for, I wish I was better at conversations.. Sometimes I feel half of the things that I want are soo easy, so simple, only if I cud bring myself to ask someone for them, specially the people who say they would do anything for me! Conversations are essential to thrive and I feel half the things in my life that have been sustained is because I have fought for them enough by opening up to someone enough...it's something I just CANT bring myself to do...Everytime I feel like someone knows quite enough about me, it makes me feel happy, proud rather for opening up, only to realize, very suddenly too, that there is a big gap still, between what I feel and what they know of. It's not fair sometimes,not to me, but to people ,who wonder what's wrong...Wish I knew enough or could atleast tell them half of what I feel in bits and pieces for them to join them together and solve the puzzle that is- MY MIND!
I shouldve realized something was wrong with me a while back and not fooled myself for so long...Because now I HATE that I've brought myself to the same place like always without realizing what's wrong ...maybe nothing is, but for now I feel unhappy and weirdly so. Too much change , maybe but then why didn't I react when everything was IN the process of changing and why now ??? wish I knew or could bring myself to answer atleast HALF of the questions I've written in here.....I feel a bit better writing, but I know this isn't going to last for long and again the stupid annoying fucking mood is goin to get the best of me ! And when that happens, I'l write again, I swear because I need SOME fucking outlet...!!






PS- Movie Dialogue Stuck In my head


" I was doing just fine until you showed up...."


Scarlet Johanson to Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Match Point)


Note To Self- Half of the things you don't believe in, shouldn't be accepted by you even though they might come in prettier packages ahead in life.