Cactus

First of firsts , you are the the epicenter of it all,
You planted the seed, spread out your branches and made yourself larger than life.
You made me grow, I made you grow too, we grew together, we were to grow together,
I picked up the axe, we saw cracks, you chopped, we collapsed....
You thought I'd lie there in the remains, I stepped over it and I stepped out,
I could feel you looking back despite the blurriness and I could feel myself looking away,
I turn my gaze, live something new, breathe a new air, feel the unfamiliar,
They think I'd isolate but I strayed, I put on a shield while they thought I'd break...
A new hand held , a new lie told, a new smile faked and when the new became old,
it slipped away and made way for the downfall.....
Who thought it would beat just when it wasn't supposed to,
Who knew this was what it would take destroy what they felt was already broken.... 
They say if it's not killing you it will make you stronger,
Who knew stronger would become this bad a thing?
The shield is stronger, the boundary is clearer, the loneliness feels sane, the emptiness feels complete.
Making sense out of patterns of smoke to trace something familiar,
The taste that was meant to remain has disappeared,
The escapes escape you in the end, everything you run away from finds and surrounds you when you fall,
when everything collapses, I r'ber you were there when life started it all........

Revolution 2020 is it???

So it turns out one of my favorite *time-pass* writers, Chetan Bhagat is launching his new book next week. I refer to his writing as *time pass* because as much as I enjoy every bit of filminess in his writing and his books make awesome one-day/one-time reads, they can never be anything more than that to me.As amazing as they are in what in they're probably intended to be, I can never consider reading a Chetan Bhagat book as *reading*. So, keeping debates about his writing aside, this book is titled "Revolution 2020" and rather than wondering about the content of the book, the title itself got me thinking about the year 2020. That's 9 years from now and considering HOW MUCH can be changed in 9 months, the magnitude of change that one will see after 9 years is hard to even imagine. To me , the scariest change and probably the first one that comes to my mind when I think 9 years ahead, is going to be the general state of relationships !


With the downward trend that has been seen , I can safely say they will be the furthest thing from people's minds. Everything BUT that will have priority.With each passing day, I can feel people growing a bit more cold, a bit more selfish, a bit more guarded and A LOT more astray from living lives that just revolve day in and day out around just one person. Importance of things in life have reversed their order and today,I would place a job over a person, work over friends ,because that's just probably how it works. We end up taking most of the people for granted without realizing it and when we do, we convince ourselves that they would probably understand ,even though at times we know, were we at the receiving end of things, we wouldn't either! We live days where we barely spend 5 minutes a day just talking to the people we live with . When we do have those 5 minutes of solace, all we want to do is spend it with our selves. Today, every relationship starts and ends at ME- my choices, my priorities, my goals, my decisions, ME.They say life is too short and sometimes, this hits you , that in the end, you shouldn't be sorry for choosing to live an unfulfilled life for yourself while fulfilling ONLY what someone else expected out of you.


Is this attitude of being "me-centric" entirely wrong ? I don't think so ! Right now everyone is striving hard to find the right balance and find a spot somewhere that comfortably adjusts the chaotic work life and blends it with a quieter, calmer personal space.Most relationships don't break because of personal problems, they just fall apart because two people do not have enough time to work both in their professional life and then come to their personal life and work through problems there too.


This is one of the main reasons for the sorry state of marriages today and contradictory to the popular notion of the high divorce rates being an influence of the western culture, it's because of the fact that no one willingly wants to spend their free time sorting out issues that are both time and mind consuming.It's easier to walk away than to stay and fight , because no one has or is willing to waste that kind of energy anymore. It's sad, but it's true. It's a personal opinion that 10 years or may be even 9 years down the line, marriages will be as extinct as dinosaurs are today.I just DON'T see them working and being the over-hyped tradition that they are, people will be too scared to enter into a marriage and then walk out ,so will decide to live a single and happy life instead.I don't think it's just me, A LOT of people I know, don't believe in marriages anymore. I for one, find them to surreal. Relationships shouldn't be as forceful in nature as marriages are.The constant "in-your-face-24x7" challenge that marriage throws at you is hard to live with. Personal space is necessary, marriages do everything they can to take that away and force you to think it's wrong to have your moments of ," me" time when you can barely manage spending "we" time. A lot of what marriage puts you through is extremely sexist! At least in Indian marriages, it is ! And today , with the kind of attitude that people walk around with, I don't think an institution like marriage which has its century old rule-book is here to stay for long!

As much as this sounds like a western attitude talking, the reality is that people are just getting to know everything they can achieve just by themselves, the fact that in today's world women too can dream, too can have a successful career ,are no longer a "burden" and no longer need to marry just so that someone else can pay their bills , has broken many illusions that marriage had set.

Is it wrong to let your relationships take a backseat? Letting yourself achieve what YOU want as opposed to what you're supposed to want? I don't think it is ! No one has written and laid out rules of life and no one is entitled to do so either! It's okay to make your own rules and want to NOT want the conventional, the traditional and take the path that the "society" feels is the right one ! However, as this attitude is beginning to kick it, whether or not it will be one to stay and accepted as a way of life after 9 years would actually be the deciding factor in making the year 2020 a revolution. Relationships vs ambition is the ultimate battle and whether or not people will be okay with choosing something non-conventional for themselves is the deciding factor ! 

 Talking about conventional, I would LOVE to see a movie where in for ONCE a woman chooses a career over a man and doesn't regret it ! Meryl Streep's role is Devil wears Prada continues to remain my favorite in that regard!

Sappy......

There's something so RIGHT about doing something wrong...Sometimes you know  you're not on the right track and yet do not take a detour. Sometimes you know you're making a huge mistake and even after realizing that in the process, you go ahead and make it anyway.There are times, you WANT to make mistakes,to feel regret later...you want to let yourself fall only to see if you can or can't stand up back again.....Half of the things I do are what people tell me are the things I shouldn't....Do I regret? Maybe not...because a part of me knows everything I've done is everthing I've wanted to do....I wish I had better judgement skills, but then I don't regret anything I've done to make me want to wish to undo it.There is something about the things people ask you to stay away from, the things they say are bad for you..Suddenly all those things start becoming the ONLY things you want to do....there is something about mistakes that makes you fear them and also makes you want to commit them at the same time.Each I time I do something wrong to mend a mistake of the past and thus follows the series of endless errors .....


Randomness:

Her eyes open , a frown follows,in denial of her wake up time ;Today was THE day ; payback WILL be a bitch , she thought....

She reached out for her phone to put her plan into action,

YOUR message lights up my screen:

"Do you know you're soo pretty

Don't put yourself down by doing this....

It's HIS loss anyways "........And just like that ,this changed my mind :) Sometimes when you're in a double mind you look for a sign , THANK YOU for being mine :) 

PS- I don't call you my mistake ...You were just another stop I had to make before I move on to better things in life :) And even if I did call you a mistake, it was maybe because you were my favorite one :) 

QUOTE OF THE POST : "And one day I'l grow up and won't even flinch at your name".....(It's True, It WILL happen , I COMMAND myself for it to happen :P )

 

NIRALI NAIK- You know I love you na :* :) Thank you for being awesome in your way, no one could have put it in THOSE words better than you :)

Beatles make me sound wise !!!

And there will be an answer..... "LET IT BE" !!!
These are more than just mere lyrics to one of my favorite songs, "Let it be" by The Beatles, it's a fact too hard to adopt or imply, but it's one which eventually turns out to be the right thing to do at most of the situations.


Letting go is probably one the hardest possible things to do. Whether it's a thought,a dream, a relationship, holding on to anything once it's run it's course of time can ONLY be painful. Yet being how we are, we find clinging on to something familiar tighter than before , simpler than letting go and finding something new, something out of our usual comfort zone. And the harder you clutch on to something , the more pain you build up in the process. 
Letting go is inevitable.It HAS to occur at some point in every situation, profession, relation and pretty much in life as a whole ! No matter how sweet the memories, nothing including life lasts forever ! 


Probably the hardest thing to let go are relationships or any emotional bond for that. We hold on to them so tightly for so long that in the end all you feel instead of love you feel hurt that comes from holding on too tight. Why can't we just bring ourselves to the point where we admit to ourselves ,let alone others, that all good things DO end, just like the bad ones?? Why do we forget that despite the end being near,sometimes we can still continue to take away cherished memories ONLY if we let go ? Why do we find battled endings better than peaceful partings?? Sometimes two people fight for so long to preserve something ,the end of which they deep down know has been overdue, that their fight becomes a lost cause ! Sometimes you fight to not let "things" fall apart despite knowing that keeping them together is just not a long-term solution . Sometimes,somethings have to fall apart ,for new things ,better things to happen and if you let go when you should, NOTHING can take away the value of what you had from you ! In fact, you develop a deeper appreciation of what belonged to you after that!


Endings are of two types: One where you KNOW things end, and One where they ACTUALLY do. The gap between the two ,is the time you take to let go and once you do, you come out a different person. Every idea , every dream, every relationship, that you choose to let go, or that chooses to let go of you, changes you. The people you choose to let go of, leave making you someone new , adding something new to you or taking away something unnecessary in you with them.This change is important , because it's this change that takes you further along life. You soon realize no matter what you give up or what is taken away from you, you will always have something new coming your way. If not now then later, but NOTHING stops life, it doesn't stop even at points where you think it will!


Sometimes you end up taking paths which later turn out to be the best routes for you. The best things in life come when you least expect them, when you take a path not knowing where you're headed, you eventually end up with what you were looking for subconciously. It don't know how it happens,but it just does.....
No matter how much you plan , the best things happen when you let go......And this has happened more than once to me :) Letting go as hard as it is, when it happens, it eventually brings you the best, something you never believed could happen to you does ! And when it does, you realize there is NOTHING in life you can cling on to forever without it slipping away ! So let nature decide the time of everything and just live for the moment, so you won't have to hang on to anything longer than you should when the time comes to let go :)

The sunset is probably nature's way of telling us to not be so afraid to let go .Without the sunset, the possibility of a sunrise would never occur :)

THESE Thoughts on THAT day.........

I don't like how my mind works..,I hate the feeling when things are fine and then randomnly i get a flash like WTF am I doing here !! I hate not remembering how or what got me to the point where I've reached..I hate my impulse ....I feel too much of what I do is because of my impulsive decission making capablities...Sometimes, I do things just beause I CAN and not because I want to...I hate that kind of power, the one where I do things for the heck of it and now that it's getting routine I am bored :/ Because more so than anyone else, I have run out of explaining rather coming up with reasons for why I do the things I do, for myself...I hate regretting later, but then again, I don't regret things while doing them....This sounds complicated to me as each word that was in my head is actually coming on to the screen ! 
I haven't slept like a sound sleep since quite a few days,that's my first sign to realize something is wrong though my brain refuses to acknowledge it.And now that it's happening evry other day I see myself falling back to the same patterns..the infamous endless night serious which I am officially fed up of....I hate coming to this point, the point where I realize I was happy untill 2 days back and fuck knows what happened to turn that around ! Because I swear remembering feeling happy, I can fool my thinking but I can't fake feelings.And then when all of a sudden when you realize you arent happy anymore you wonder what happened and if all that was just plain fake ,a fake pretence to overshadow something you must be feeling deep deep down. So I'm writing hoping to find what's down,deep deep down that I *might* be wanting to overshadow by being happy, though I swear I felt happiness and that it wasn't fake, because it ws for a long time, just untill a few days back...
I am not the person to hold back,If m sad I don hide it, not from myself, if m happy then I don't hide it from others, but i wonder why I chose to not admit being not happy from myself too....maybe I am wrong,maybe I was happy, maybe I suddenly have just realized how much or to what extent things have changed for me in a short span of time and I might not be as accustomed to the change as I anticipated.I don't like this point. The one where I realize it's too late to talk to someone or turn to someone to make me fine again. And it's funny how I ALWAYS realize I'm in some unnamed shit, AFTER reaching this same very point every single time !And yet I try, try talking to someone but then there's something within me which stops me from wanting to reach out to someone ....I dont like that...Out of all the things I wish for, I wish I was better at conversations.. Sometimes I feel half of the things that I want are soo easy, so simple, only if I cud bring myself to ask someone for them, specially the people who say they would do anything for me! Conversations are essential to thrive and I feel half the things in my life that have been sustained is because I have fought for them enough by opening up to someone enough...it's something I just CANT bring myself to do...Everytime I feel like someone knows quite enough about me, it makes me feel happy, proud rather for opening up, only to realize, very suddenly too, that there is a big gap still, between what I feel and what they know of. It's not fair sometimes,not to me, but to people ,who wonder what's wrong...Wish I knew enough or could atleast tell them half of what I feel in bits and pieces for them to join them together and solve the puzzle that is- MY MIND!
I shouldve realized something was wrong with me a while back and not fooled myself for so long...Because now I HATE that I've brought myself to the same place like always without realizing what's wrong ...maybe nothing is, but for now I feel unhappy and weirdly so. Too much change , maybe but then why didn't I react when everything was IN the process of changing and why now ??? wish I knew or could bring myself to answer atleast HALF of the questions I've written in here.....I feel a bit better writing, but I know this isn't going to last for long and again the stupid annoying fucking mood is goin to get the best of me ! And when that happens, I'l write again, I swear because I need SOME fucking outlet...!!






PS- Movie Dialogue Stuck In my head


" I was doing just fine until you showed up...."


Scarlet Johanson to Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Match Point)


Note To Self- Half of the things you don't believe in, shouldn't be accepted by you even though they might come in prettier packages ahead in life. 

Very Ape ;)

Using only song *Titles* from one Artist or Band , answer these questions : 


Pick a Band / Artist: NIRVANA
------------------------------------- 


1. Are you a Male or Female : "About A Girl"


2. Describe Yourself : "Sappy"


3. How do you feel about yourself : "Endless,Nameless"


4. Describe your Ex boy friend : "Dumb"


5. Describe your current guy situation : "Something In The Way"


6. Describe your current Location : "Lake Of Fire"


7. Describe where you want to be : "On A Plain"


8. Your Best Friend is : "The Man Who Sold The World"


9. Your favourite Colour is :"Grey Goose"


10. You know that : "You Know You're Right" :P


11. What’s the Weather like : "Blandest"


12. If your life was a Television Show, what would it be called : "Lounge Act"


13. What is Life to you : "Heart Shaped Box"


14. What is the Best Advice you have to give : "Come As You Are"


15. If you could change your name what would you change it to "Marijuana" 

HOW WOULD I EVER BE ALIVE WITHOUT THEIR MUSIC???!!

10 Things I want to do before I Graduate from BMM

WRITE a book
It could be short stories or a novel ,but creating a story is something I've always wanted to do,but being a huge thing am scared to take it up.I've been reading a lot of Indian writing lately and this in a way has made me more keener on working upon a book soon .Someday I will!!

Start a JOURNAL!!

How I wish I would've done that since the first year of college, I would have something amazing to read throughout my latter years in life!! But better late than never, I hope to start writing one for the third year in college....And even otherwise, I want to jot down things happening in a diary, something I can look back at and see how much I've changed throughout the years.

Make a MOVIE

And not for an assignment , but for myself. I want to make a short film and a still movie, and I want to write the script and shoot them myself.I love documentaries and also adaptations of short stories into films.I recently read "Stuck on you" a short story by Jeffery Archer ,from his book "and thereby hangs a tale" which was a good compilation of short stories.I wish I could make a movie on something like that.As mentioned earlier, I want to make a still movie on life at the traffic signals in Mumbai , kids who live on the street and their take on life and what they wish to make of it.

Make a TRAVELOGUE

I would love to make a travelogue .Traveling is something I've always wanted to do, and this year I'l be lucky enough to visit north India and *maybe* make a travelogue :D

READ a lot of books and watch at least a MOVIE a day!!

I feel I read way to less than I should. Sure, I have my favorite blogs that I browse trough daily, but I don't read a lot of books . I am very particular ,selective rather, about what I read. Hence, I pick up books but don't finish them if the writing style doesn't appeal to me,no matter how brilliantly the book would progress later on! (Bad,i know !! ) I want to watch more movies ! And expand the genre of movies that I watch,step out of my comfort zone, if you will. I am selective ,again, when it comes to movies. I don't prefer action or sci-fi, though I love a good psychological thriller.

Experiment with PHOTOGRAPHY
I am waiting, with bated breath ,*literally* for my DSLR ! And I am soooo gonna exploit that baby once it comes to me! I love clicking pictures and I would love taking trips just for clicking pictures. I love black and white photography and clicking still life . I could make photography a habit ,gladly!!

Start BLOGGING regularly
And by regular I do not mean once a week!! More like alternate days.... I want to have a blog that is read, spoken and debated about, for good or for worse.I want to have more range of topics to write quality content on and find things that inspire me enough to make time from my erratic schedule and do the one thing that I love....WRITE!!! As I write this, I feel immensely  stupid because a voice within me says "WHAT'S STOPPING YOU THEN ??!!!"...wish I knew..*Sighs*

Entering a COLLEGE FEST and participating in every event that you can think of!

I have done this once before, just entering competitions without having a proper idea of what was to be expected. Me and a friend entered this event, that ended up being like a detective investigation sort of thing and guess what??? We won the second prize and 500 bucks *flashes a broad smile*. I want to enter into more writing/advertising /photography contests and I swear I will before next year!

Work as an INTERN with a good magazine/Advertising agency

I would KILL for an internship with a magazine like Vogue or any life style magazine for that matter. Working with a magazine is a dream....the hustle bustle,deadlines and chaotic-ness of putting together an issue with every minute detail in place fascinates me . I won't deny I have moments where I watch documentaries on Vogue and dream about of being one of those people who contribute in compiling one the MOST successful magazines ever. I also love channels that focus on travel and life of people along the world. If I had no ties what so ever, I would LOVE to be a part of a travel channel. The experience is something else altogether. The part of advertising that appeals to me is copyrighting.I love the wittiness that comes with the job. Thinking on your feet and the kind of innovation that the job demands, is something I would love to do. I have a love for the hectic and crazy kinda life. The busier, the better. Personally, I do not think being a work-a-holic is a bad thing, in fact if there is any part of your life which makes you so passionate, you should give it your all, while you can. I wish I get to do that, someday!

Learn GUITAR!!!!

This probably has NO connection what-so-ever with BMM but it's high time that I learn how to play! Considering that (hopefully) I will have a hectic life after I'm a graduate, I want to  HAVE TO find time to learn guitar!!

Of love , life and Happiness....

Before you read any further , I must warn you this is NOT like any normal post, rather it's a jot down of a few random thoughts in probably the MOST unorganized manner! Thoughts on 3 subjects which confuse me the MOST and might leave you confused too once you're done reading what's on my mind !
As I proceed, I shall write about 3 things and random feelings about each in NO proper order :P I'l link them up in ways in which they get linked up inside my head! (Believe me you WOULDN'T want to get in there !! ) So moving on, the three things are : LOVE , LIFE AND HAPPINESS!
Out of these 3, LIFE is probably the greatest and it goes without saying it has more weightage than the other two.Yet, as large as life is, it is incomplete without love and happiness.Pointless rather, because these are two things that fill life with substance and help us make the distinction between surviving life and living it...Because without love an happiness you can go from one day to another, but you can't feel life the way you do if these two things are absent.
People search far and wide to find love and happiness,self- help books are written to help people find the true meaning of life...what I do not understand is,how can ANYONE dictate or rather promote a meaning of life, when to every human being life stands for something different and NO self book can help them find answers because everyone is looking for different answers in life... Everyone is still learning about life and no matter how old you are, and no author, preacher could have possibly found answers that are applicable to everyone's problems...kinda makes the whole concept of self-help books seem *blah* to me !
People give more importance to the ways and techniques of being happy,they perceive happiness as a problem which can be solved when you apply a fixed formula ! Buying books, attending better living seminars might teach you the technicalities but till you are practical in life about issues you aren't going to be happy.....One such issue that affects happiness the most is LOVE.
The way love works and the way you deal with it can flip your life entirely for good or for worse! Love,according to me should be simple,uncomplicated,pure and self-less.And making it all of these things depends upon us. Yet somehow most of us manage to complicate it and adulterate it with jealousy,selfishness and other such vices. Love is supposed to be a cause of happiness and yet if you analyse any person's life be it a teenager or a mid-aged person you will see more than 50% of his problems revolve around love! The problem is human beings tend to complicate stuff ,when they have something they want more, adding emotions and conditions and labels and tags to a simple emotion can make it far more complicated than it seems. When we receive love in life, we never keep it simple, we concentrate on things revolving around love rather than love itself...we arouse questions , question the source of love, label the relationship , think about it's future and put in terms and conditions that suit the relationship and by doing all this, the essence of love is lost! Trying to make love function as permitted by the "society" makes it lose it's essence too. Two people can NEVER just be in love as friends, then there has to be a relationship, if there's a relationship, there should be boundaries , there should be a future commitment tying not ONLY the people in love but also the people around them in a legal contract! The concept of marriage is still lost to me ! If two people are happy, why push yourself further into just giving it a legal status ! If you are in love, keep it that way, don't complicate it by adding rules,compulsions ,expectations because if you do, you'l experience EVERYTHING else but love! And in the end you'l be unhappy and question yourself about actually being in love in the first place! I HATE how the "society" has put this particular set of pattern of relationships in our head! Before actually falling in love, we have to think about a million things and we can't just never feel ONLY love,simple and uncomplicated ! We function according to this pattern , get into a relationship expect rather than accept, confine people and try to change them according to how we would want them to be and then we want to love them...HOW is it love if you want to change every little thing about the person you claim to be in "love" with??? We tend to avoid actually knowing the person and just make this mental image of how we want the person we are in love to be. You lose out on knowing the person and this is would just be a start to the many problems that would follow because you never actually knew the person well enough to love him/her for what he/she were ! We try to cling to things just because they get familiar and we are too accustomed to them to step out of the cocoon of comfort we create for ourselves ! And the longer you stay in this comfort zone, your nature changes according to the nature of the relationship you're in! You miss out looking at things from your own point of view, you can't rather because when you stay in such a relationship you just get to use one of your eyes, the another one is of your better-half!You can never be happy when you aren't yourself, which is you start being unhappy when such things start creeping up in a relationship .... Never change yourself for someone they say, yet we expect people to change for us! The whole point of falling in love is to find happiness , so don't forget that and try to take it to a point where you stop feeling happy with the person you fell in love with. Don't feel obliged to make your relationship something it's not just because it SHOULD be that way.... For love, ALWAYS make your own rules, because what can make you happy, might not apply to everyone else and vice-versa ...Never be scared to fall in love, EVER !!Be scared to fall out of it ! (:P) The best relationships are simple, which just make you happy without you trying too hard to look for happiness, those relationships portray true love according to me, never lose them by making them something they're not ! They are what they are because they are effortless and are formed by a bond between hearts rather than by compulsion or obligation ! Simplicity is the key to all 3 :) Love is the way you treat it, Happiness if what you make out of love and life a process that happens when you're happily in love, with life itself and everything in it :)

A random attempt to writing a 100 random facts about me !....PART 1

1. I love creativity that's completely CRAZY!! Which is why i love Lady GaGa, Alexander McQueen (R.I.P.) ...(I'm listening to one of her records as i write this !) It takes a lot to show up in front of thousands of people wearing a dress made out of red meat with a crazy hair-do to match or even designing shoes that people vouch are too weird to walk in ! I wish i could get a peak into their brain to see what brings this creativity , that the world calls MADNESS on!
   
   
2. I hate reading love stories ! There is something that puts me off with the fake notion about love and relationships that people try to portray! I would much rather reading something that's more realistic even though if it means reading something thats brutally honest and harsh..
   
   
3. I love receiving gifts that are small ...I love things that are inexpensive and yet give you the same if not more happiness than things that are overpriced! Small things as gifts to me feel really personal and it makes me that person giving it to me knows me well enough ! I would happily trade a orange candy for a box of expensive chocolates !
   
   
4. I am the most accident prone person i know ! I have 6 scars on my right hand as i write this, and i have NO idea what-so-ever how, half of them got there ! I tend to hurt my self by things that are literally harmless and not even a toddler could hurt himself by those !
   
   
5. This brings me to the next random fact, which is that I HATE cars,I could sit on a bike without a helmet and go on a speed of 100 on a highway ( I would may-be scream my lungs off while doing this, but nonetheless i would if i had to) ,but there is something about cars and the fact that I'm so accident prone that freaks me out completely !
   
   
6. I believe in numerology and partially in astrology (Only at times when something bad is predicted for me, and i get really freaked out :P ) ...But numerology is something i read about, something i would want to learn because the connection between numbers and life fascinates me !
   
   
7. The food I call my favourite comprises of :
   
   Homecooked food  : Bhindi ka bhaji
   Street side Food : Bhel Puri
   Junk Food: Pizza /fries/burger
   Cuisine : Italian
   Desert: Dark Chocolate cake/ Walnut brownie
   Beverage: Ice Tea
   
   And YES I could spend the rest of my life eating any one of these everyday! GLADLY :D
   
   
8. Food brings me to my next point...I eat when i'm bored,sad (to cheer me up), happy (to celebrate :P), angry (to calm me down)... and pretty much all the time !! But there are times ,when depending on my mood i can go on for atleast 3 days without eating ! Yes, i know it's weird ....
   
   
9. I am the moodiest person I know  ....it takes almost nothing to switch my mood from sad to happy to angry and then back to happy again ...
   
   
10. It's really easy to make me happy ! The smallest and most unimaginable things make me happy ! In fact big gestures tend to put me off...random things make me smile and most of the time I'm smiling without realizing why ( yeah, kinda like a retard :P )
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
11. I can't stand the sun, like literally...it gives me the most terrible headaches,one's that last for hours ...i hate it soo much that i start a mental countdown for the rainy season since the month of November.
    
    
12. I am soooo messy, that it's not even funny anymore >_< ......I am really really clumsy almost the same...or in fact more clumsy than what I was as a kid...I stain my favorite tee's with what ever i eat and people who know me well are now accustomed to see me roaming around in a white tee stained with faded marks of something i dropped on it a while ago !
    
    
13. I love water ! It's kind of a given considering I'm a Piscean but I love water too much and can have a blast at a water park !
    
    
14. Even though I love water, I DO NOT know how to swim !...I wish I  knew how to swim and could learn underwater diving and pretty much everything there is to do above and under the sea :D
    
    
15.  Since i love water, my favorite season in monsoon !! It's the favorite 5 months of the year for me and the weather is too perfect for me ...Monsoon is also the messiest time of the year and considering I'm super-dooper messy , i usually make a total mess of my clothes ,but i just LOVE the weather and it totally makes up for everything else :D
    
    
16. My idea of the perfect weather is sort of like the weather in the the movie "twilight" , over cast and the kind where you could have a great time either in doors or outdoors !
    
    
17. Twilight reminds me, I HATE that movie!! The weather is the ONLY reason i saw the movie in the first place,...there is a fine line between creativity and plain stupidity! And for me, a dude with lipstick who sparkles like diamonds, would always fall in the latter category!
    
    
18. I Have NEVER ridden a bicycle !! I know it's hard to believe but I was too scared to hurt myself :( And still am even today :P
    
    
19. I HATE tea and don't like coffee much either! I don't get why people have to have tea the first thing in the morning !
    
    
20. I have a thing for people with an Australian accent :P ( and British too,well this goes without saying cz...duh!!)
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
21. I want a tattoo with a quote by Cobain which goes as follows: "I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got."........Somehow this has a deep meaning to me.
    
    
22. I love metal music \m/ Specially death metal...I listen to it when I'm angry or sad...It works in a strange way to change my mood for the better.
    
    
23. I HATE listening to romantic songs ! I find them boring and depressing ! Specially old Hindi romantic songs !
    
    
24. My favorite color is blue followed by green ,black, red .....White is my least favorite color.
    
    
25. I know it's not cool to be superstitious, but I am extremely superstitious...I stop when ANY cat crosses before me and I have a white pearl ring , which I'm supposed to wear so I do not fall sick often or hurt myself....And I NEVER step out without it...
    
    
26. I wouldn't call myself short tempered necessarily, but I get irritated quickly, even though I don't react by getting angry.....And sometimes when I'm actually angry, the outcome is BAD!
    
    
27. I  can cook pretty well :) And for that I'm proud !
    
    
28. I can't tolerate people who have poor grammar skills ! And specially the one's who speak incorrect English! Pls do NOT talk to me if you are spell the word "mature" as "mechord" !! (Yes! I know someone who did that :@ )
    
    
29. I HATE people who overdress ! There is something SOOOOOOO unpleasing they cause to the eye ! And I hate parents who think their kids are some sort of portable Christmas trees and deck them up with the frilliest of frocks just for an outing to the the park!
    
    
30. I want to get 2 piercings on my ears and one on my navel! (I do not know when this will happen! :( ...)
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
31. I always *try* to grow my nails only to end up biting them ! And sometimes they just break magically ! :o ( I STILL don't know how that happens! )
    
    
32. I am a neat freak ,My wardrobe should be arranged in a particular way, an even if one outfit is kept in a wrong place i get angry! No one is allowed to touch my clothes n my cupboard except me....SPECIALLY not my mom!
    
    
33. Contradicting the above fact, I can only study if my desk is messed up like I NEED to see books scattered ,pen's left open sticky notes with random dead lines stuck on my desk, clutter makes me study! Cleanliness to me ( And this is applicable ONLY and ONLY to my desk) doesn't imply the NEED to study as clutter does!
    
    
34. I can't join my toes together.....to be precise there is a gap between each of my toe,which according to some baseless logic that i came up with, if i try joining the gap I can't breathe ! And every time I've told this to people,they try holding my toes together , DO THEY WANT TO KILL ME THAT BAD???!!! :P
    
    
35. I take extremely long baths, 1 hour a day to be honest :P And no matter the emergency, I do not rush or shorten the duration...People curse me for that! But that's just something THEY should learn to adjust to ;) :P
    
    
36. I am a vegetarian and I intend to remain one, for as long as I live, the idea of eating the flesh of something that was once alive, is just GROSS to me !
    
    
37. My WORST nightmare involves being in a room filled with lizards and having no way out ! :o Boy, wouldn't I die if that happens :o !
    
    
38. I always hated barbies, even as a kid, I hated them! I like toys that look cute and friendly and not fake and pompous >_<
    
    
39. My real name is Kanika, very few people know this !
    
    
40. I am (secretly) scared of Tom n Jerry...which is why I never watched the cartoon as a kid, nor do I watch it now, their fights and smashing each others' face flat with heavy metal objects was scary to me, still kinda is! ....And now this isn't a secret anymore !
    
    
    
    
    
    
41. I give up on things way too easily, sometimes somethings make me wonder what would have happened had I stuck around !
    
    
42. That being said, I usually never regret anything, may be feel sorry about something for a second, and then move on....One of my favorite sayings is "Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted."
    
43. I get bored really easily ! Not that I'm bored while writing this :P But usually it takes too many things and too many people to keep me entertained and occupied :P
    
    
44. I was the naughtiest kid you can possibly imagine....I've climbed on top of cupboards,jumped over walls, fallen into a pond and even been really close to eating a poisonous snake...Ask me and I'l tell you the story :P
    
45. I usually keep to myself, I'm NOT shy, nor do I have what people term as "attitude" ,I just speak to a very selected people because I do not GET the concept of small talk...Most of the times, I have something on my mind which i chose to tell barely 1 or 2 people and I do not attempt to start a conversation just for the sake of it...I'd rather have silence than hear what I don't want to,which to me is just plain NOISE!
    
    
46. I do not get the concept of "best friends" either, I have some people who are family to me, even though we aren't blood related and those people are EVERYTHING to me,the rest are good friends, I can't categorize friendship ,just people who are very close, I think of as family :) And those people are VERY few!....And the people who are closest to me were the same people who I HATED the first time i met them, so now when I meet someone and HATE them,I know ;) :P
    
    
47. I am brutal at times, when I know someone deserves something I give it to them regardless of what they would have to go through! I give people way too many chances, specially people I love ....And the day I'm done giving chances, I just feel sorry for them because I know they might not deserve what I might put them through ! If this sounds pure EVIL I do not care, because I know people who deserve such behavior!
    
    
48. I don't believe in the concept of love and marriage.....I don't think I've seen enough of "happy" or "ideal" relationships around ever did since I was a kid.... and I'm sure these "institutions"that people have created, aren't going to last another decade! A few years back I changed my mind about all this and now, I've changed it back!! Because I have way toooooo much proof ......  But even though forever does not exist, FOR NOW does ;) :)
    
49. I am commitment phobic! If i know a person likes me,I'l do EVERYTHING within my power to push that person away! The thought of being with someone forever scares me ! And I HATE being answerable to people, the ONLY person who is allowed to question me is my MOM!
    
50. I do not believe in labeling things,relationships and people...the best bonds are unnamed, these bonds bring happiness,anything labelled to me,loses it's value and changes it's nature to fit the description of what it has been labelled to!
    
    
    
    
    

Dream- Because You OWE it to yourself !!

When I was a kid each day I wanted to do something new.It might not mean something big necessarily,but something as small as finishing a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle or climbing up to the next level of the jungle gym at a park I would go to play.I would decide one day that I wanted to be a teacher and the next day that I would change my mind and would want to just to sing and dance.I remember going through phases where everyday I would want to join some or the other classes- art, swimming, dance-Somethings I wasn’t good at and wanted to learn just because my other friends could do it better and other things which I enjoyed doing and wanted to learn better.I remember coaxing my mom ,telling her about 10 different things that I wanted to learn in a span of 1 month during my vacations.That was the time I didn’t care how good or bad I was it,I just wanted to give everything a try,I didn’t mind getting criticized or told that I was bad, I just loved going through the whole experience of doing something new each day-at something I never tried my before.

                During school for special functions we would have dance auditions and guess who would be the first one to race up to them even after getting a “C” grade in dance every Sem??? Needless to say, I was never selected, but I remember repeating the process every time there were dance auditions.I could draw really well but yet somehow I grew up at a place, where kids were extremely talented in art-something which they inherited and was in their genes, yet each year after participating in the state level competition i would wait for months at end for the result confidant about winning. I didn’t matter to me that the other kids were extremely good at drawing,in fact,that was something I was well aware of.It was just that, at that time, It didn’t matter to me how good other people were, I never under estimated how good I could be!

                             I dreamt of going to places around the world and doing things that I loved- all that I would now regard as an immature far-fetched childhood fantasy.As a grew up my notions and the way I perceived things changed. If I knew I wasn’t that good at something I would consciously refrain from attempting it.I made a mental list of things which according to me, I could or could not do and unknowingly made a mental block against all those things which I felt I was bad at.I guess I was too afraid to embarass myself doing any of those things which I felt I couldn’t good well.Eventually the participation in competitions stopped and i took up a course which i didn’t want to out of the sheer fear that I might not be good enough for the things i actually want to do! 2years down the line pursuing something i just took up for the sake of making a stable career later on,made me feel guilty day by day.I knew i owed it to myself for at least trying to do the thing i love before forcefully pushing myself into something which was clearly not suited for me! Luckily for me, 2 years later i got a chance to undo what I had previously done and choose doing something which I enjoy from the bottom of my heart! And now, doing what I do, I couldn’t be happier!!

                 This is not something which happened to me alone, I’m sure it happens to all of us.As we grow older, we let go a lot of things just because we think “people” might not like them -These things including many of our dreams in particular. We let people be the judge and the deciding factor on whether or not we should attempt on doing somethings.The fear of not being good enough arises even before making an attempt which kills many dreams.We give up on a lot of things making pre-conceived notions about our short comings.Somewhere along the road we end up throwing away many things we loved doing just because of the sheer pleasure we get by doing them replacing them with some of our “not-so-favorite” things which we feel would make us more receptive.

                                                This is why I would love being a kid all over again! I love seeing a million dreams flashing in their eyes. I love waking up and feeling I can do EVERYTHING I make-up my mind to!! Kid’s DON’T care how stupid they might look,how silly what they do might seem to others- they are their own judge.They learn only through trial and error as opposed to rejecting something even before attempting it.

I don’t remember if I ever felt that I couldn’t do something when I was a kid! I was my own version of super-man! Something within me felt I could do EVERYTHING that I wanted and NOTHING would change this conviction. I never gave up on anything being too scared about the response. I felt there was only 1 way to look at the world and that was MY way- nothing else mattered. As I look back, I could  see the change.From being so carefree to thinking and over thinking before doing anything.Feeling may be I’m too small to achieve a dream that big-Even though I remember the time when I felt I could be an astronaut if I would just try! And underestimating your self before even trying is probably the worst thing you can do to yourself.

Remember the time you started out with life and made dreams ???-Well, add a couple more to them don’t take away from what you had dreamt to achieve for yourself. Make goals and don’t let yourself down by giving away way too early. Don’t let the world judge you for your dreams, because you are only answerable to yourself !!Don’t EVER let there be time in your life when you look back and see how much you gave up to be something you never wanted to in the first place.Look at the world the same way as you did when you were a kid- Fearlessly! Because living with knowing that you couldn’t make it after giving it your all is MUCH easier than living with the constantly recurring question- WHAT IF???

Famous Words

Because you don't need a PERFECT life to Smile.....

How many times have you got upset over not getting something you've always wanted?How many times have you disregarded the life you're living asking for a better life perhaps,without even really looking deeply into each and everything which you do have in your life??Cried because you didn't get a PSP but got a PS3 in return??Thrown a tantrum if something is getting done in a way may be minutely different than your own??Wanted to ditch your well functioning hand-set for a much more socially-preferable Blackberry?? Cribbed for having to wake up early in the morning after signing up for an expensive academic course??Well,if you have in fact, got a chance to do any of these things you should consider yourself extremely lucky ! Because not everyone can afford the luxury of doing so......


                                                        This was something which always stayed as a recurring thought at the back of my head since the time i was in school.....Everyday on my way home i would pass a traffic signal where my school bus would have a good 5minute halt...Looking out of the window i always saw something that amazed me to such an extent that,it in fact, is making me write this post today!


                 Considering the poverty,unemployment in India, there are thousands of people who can't even afford a home-something we would regard as a basic necessity...let clothes,etc!Such people would tie up tents at the signal and  live there.And each family having at least 2-3 little kids-unkempt,in clothes we would probably refrain from using as even rags!! With one biscuit in the hand and having it to share it with 2 other siblings! With unbearable heat scorching down their backs from the blazing afternoon sun..with broken glass pieces along the road,yet barefooted.....Kids of an age at which we probably wouldn't even picture staying away from our mom's even for a second,  being taken care of by someone hardly a year or two older than them....Kids of an age where you might have learnt holding a pencil with something in their hand to sell to cars which stop at the signal.....and yet in spite of such severities,all of which cannot be imagined in one-whole picture,there is something about such people which make you feel despite of such a life, they might be happier people deep down than we are!! 


                       In the span of 7 years that I spent at my school and the countless times that I might have stopped at that signal I have ALWAYS, each and every single time seen them with a smile on their faces. I don't remember seeing otherwise ...EVER!! And it always amazed me because the kids did not have fancy toys to play....unlike me,they played with twigs of trees,leaves...Things you would probably walk over while walking down the road....They didn't eat chocolates or all those things i would fight with my mom to give for lunch.....they ate left overs of what people gave them....and they shared it equally...what ever little they ate..Most of the kids played by themselves...and even though the times that I have seen the kids with their mom is very few, the sight of them hugging their mom has brought tears to my eyes...It's incredible that in spite of a MASSIVE difference of life-style between us and them somethings things in life don't change.....A mother who stays on the pavement would care for  her children with the same love, the same compassion that someone who would stay in a bungalow, for that matter would.....Materialistic things DO change a lot in life....But somethings remain untouched and unadulterated  irrespective of any factor!! Such things are the things in life which are truly important...things which are to stay...for a lifetime.....You might lose your money and be bankrupt but love and relations remain and knowing this, I now know that those people staying at the signal had a big enough reason to be smiling always!!


                                        They had NOTHING compared to us....and yet we find it so difficult to let go of things and smile at least for the sake of what we will surely rely to have for a life time....A few materialistic additions and subtractions are not what make life ,LIFE....there's a lot more to that....and such things in life can be learnt by looking at people who despite of not having anything ,do have the most important thing you require to live a good life- Acceptance !! And every time i pass the Signal i get a reality check and wonder...is it that difficult to Smile??? So life is not perfect all around...but don't worsen it by forgetting to cherish those emotions and moments which we are internally made up of...emotions which make us human!!!

PS- This was something i wanted to write about since long...It holds a very special place in my heart...I also want a make a documentary or a still film rather showing life of such people and how you realize some of the best things in life in the most random ways......And how simple it is to smile about the littlest things which warm your heart :)